Category Archives: pinkbrained ponderings

i am un-massageable.

My masseuse told me today that in Shandong, there is a saying that ticklish people are filial people. The more ticklish you are, the more filial you will be.

On that score, she said I’m probably the most filial person in Singapore. =.=

You can guess that the massage I went for today was not in the least bit enjoyable. I laughed so much and so hard that tears were constantly streaming down my eyes and felt giddy afterwards! A very Marcel Proust-ish moment; reminded me of the times Cousin R would bundle me up in a thin mattress and tickle me through it mercilessly whilst I writhed and screamed and laughed and begged for release.

Only this time, I was the voluntary subject of the torture. Hahaha. But no more. Never again!!!

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blooooooop

CDR did not go so well today.

But I did not expect it to go well, so I’m still on an adrenaline high. HAHA!

Maybe I’ll crash and burn later. I want to play piano now.

But I think I should go email my client. Like now. NOW now.

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raincheck reindeer

There are two things I want to do right now. But these will have to wait until after CDR tomorrow.

1. Play piano. I want to learn Byul! From 200 Pounds of Beauty.

2. Watch Privileged.

3. Sleep.

Shit. That’s three things.

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O BYUDEEFULL DAY!

The last of the big assignments are over!

I shall do FMS and treat myself to an episode of White Collar.

Matt Bomer’s piercing blue eyes WIN.

Made many fascinating discoveries today. And two new friends!

Entertaining 100%.

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supremely unprepared.

My flight is at 1235h tomorrow, and I have not packed!!! It is now 2:37am!!!!

Ah what the hell, all I really need is a bikini and a caftan right. ;p

I AM STILL AGONISING OVER CPCM RARRRGH

The musical was really quite bad. Not sure why people said it was good. But oh well it was for charity and everyone there’s mostly not professional, so OK la. Expected. There was this priest who sang really well though! And it later transpired he was in some internationally touring musical. Figures. HAHA.

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damn all these beautiful girls

I think there’s a masochistic streak in me that makes me want to look at pretty girls every time I feel fat and ugly during exam season. My recent oglee (as opposed to ogler) is Namie Amuro. She’s so PRETTY!!! And damn hot when she dances too! And guess what? She’s THIRTY TWO. Does this look like the face of a 32-year-old to you?!

She has a 15 year old son too. OMG. It’s ridiculous how well she maintains herself. I want to be like that too!!

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why do you do?

I saw an advert for a singing competition today. Not too long ago – maybe a year or so back – I would have jumped right at the opportunity to join. But I didn’t feel a thing when I saw it today. I didn’t have any urge to perform either, when I saw the invitation to perform for Collegiate Dinner. Neither did I feel any need to go for an audition that a minor record label had invited me to. But when Cheese asked me to perform at her wedding, I felt so, so happy that she asked me to.

And so I wonder, what changed? Initially I thought I was just tired of performing. Tired of putting up an act for the world, because that’s what you do when you perform. All that junk about being true to yourself when you perform – it’s quite a lot of rot; when you’re on stage freaking out with hundreds of people staring at you, you don’t project you (“you” is cowering somewhere in the region of your toes), you project a construct of you. I thought I was really tired of that.

But then, that didn’t explain why I felt happy about singing at Cheese’s wedding. One performance is very much like another. When my cousin asked me to sing at her wedding many years ago, I did exactly the same sort of prep as for less meaningful singing gigs – even though, if I remember correctly, I chickened out of singing in the end because there was no need to. (Hey, I was only 14 then!!)

So, what changed?

I’ve come to realise that it’s more than just image fatigue. It has to do with why I performed. I used to perform for acceptance. I needed the social validation badly. I wanted people to come up to me and say, you sing well, you’re awesome. And not just with respect to singing – I needed validation in everything. I used to get really upset when someone posted a negative comment on my Youtube channel, and the singing competition mania was probably just an extreme manifestation of this obsession. But now I find that I don’t need that any more. I still need social validation – everyone does, to a certain degree – but not as much as before. Did it have to do with losing weight? Maybe. Curing my buckteeth? Maybe. Becoming fitter? Maybe.

But most important of all, I think, in helping me realise that I didn’t need to be socially validated by the world at large were my dear friends. I came to realise that eventually, at the end of the day, you don’t need everyone to understand or accept you. What I really wanted was to be understood and accepted by those who meant the most to me, and they do, despite all my ridiculous quirks and idiosyncrasies.

It’s very easy to dismiss these ruminations as mere foolishness, but I think these thoughts would cross the mind of anyone whose primary source of confidence is external, as mine used to be – and still is, to a certain extent.

I still upload videos onto Youtube occasionally. I still love to sing. But the difference is, I do it for no other purpose than for the pure love of doing it, and especially, doing it for the people I love. I no longer care if I don’t sound 100% perfect, I don’t care if some people don’t like what I do, and I don’t need people telling me what a good performance that was for me to think a performance was good. Which explains the complete lack of depression that usually follows a performance as off key as the impromptu one I did at Collegiate. Haha. That doesn’t mean I don’t want to strive for perfection – the audience for whom I do this has simply changed. Praise is sweet, but a lack of it no longer deals a blow to my confidence.

Why do you do what you do, indeed?

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