dozo sumimasen kudasai

Got back from Japan a few days back, and I miss it already.

What I’ll remember most about Japan is not the sights, or my friends’ antics, but the long train rides in which I sat and reflected about life in general. I realise that city life doesn’t really give one that sort of luxury to ruminate; as Lydia’s friend once observed, city people always feel the need to be doing something and going somewhere, and it’s always noisy. You can’t sit in quiet contemplation for very long anyway, you feel like you’re wasting time. The train rides were a perfect compromise; I had nothing else to do (having forgotten to bring a book), and it was reasonably quiet, especially on the silent cars.

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I needed to (1) be less materialistic, (2) learn to love myself more, and (3) be a nicer and more patient person. And it seems that being a nicer and more patient person necessarily involves me becoming a more complicated person with more internal mechanisms to deal with conflict. Sigh. I truly dislike complicated things. Why can’t life just be simple and straightforward?

The materialistic part was pointed out to me by Mom some weeks before the exam, but I was too busy studying to deal with that in detail. I do agree with her, though, that my possessions are starting to define me and not the other way around, which is a bad, bad thing. The learning to love myself part will probably be the hardest. I suppose it’s because I don’t particularly like myself that I try to hide behind possessions, which fuels the materialistic thing. How oxymoronic. Ha. Anyway, I’ve resolved not to buy any more expensive things other than essentials like working clothes. My gawd working clothes. I so don’t want to spend on that. The other option is to slim down sufficiently to share Mom’s clothes. (What a hope.)

It’s nice to have moms who pull you up short when you’re heading the wrong way. :)

Don’t get me wrong, Japan was generally a fab grad trip, but I learnt many things about myself from this trip that I did not particularly like. The road to self discovery is always an unpaved one fraught with difficulty. :(

In other news, the Emo has set in once more, partly caused by Tokyo rain and a general feeling of inadequacy. The only good part about this is that emo-ness brings on songwriting, which I have not engaged in for quite some time. I really do agree with Caits that the Emo only sets in when we have nothing to do. Urgh. I shall go for a run and get some happy endorphins into my system. And then I shall depress myself with Oscar Wilde. Ha.

Had a good long chat with Caits yesterday, and an eye-opening one with her and Mandy today. Hmm. I’ve always known that my family’s a bit kooky, but I’ve never realised the extent to which it differed from the “traditional” family. I still wouldn’t change my parents for the world though.

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1 Comment

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One response to “dozo sumimasen kudasai

  1. joanna

    hugs babe. i share and understand your thoughts. you are not alone k! I’m always here if you need me! <3 :)

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